Aug. 30

August 30th is the day Maddox will have the feeding tube put in. We will be staying at the hospital for 1-2 nights. Hopefully only 1 night.

I have so many different feelings about this. Part of me is relieved that we wont have to stress out about what he's eating or not eating. Part of me is terrified to deal with this. Part of me is so sad that he needs this and a small part of me feels like I failed him. I am not looking forward to placing the feeding tube. At. All.

I know (at least I hope) that once the tube is in the worst part will be over. And once we are all used to it it will be part of our routine.

Mason will be with my Mom while we are at the hospital. He is anxious because we are going to be out of town while he's with my Mom. Usually we are at home.

I still need to figure out what foods to bring for Maddox. I don't know how hungry he'll be, but I don't want to bring too little either.

I still can't believe we are doing this. I have moments of complete and utter peace and then I have moments of complete and utter terror. I have to remind myself to breathe. Just breathe. I know God will take care of everything. He has so far. I am praying, no crying out to Him daily to help Maddox through this. And then I wonder how do I teach such a little guy that Jesus is with him, even though he is going through something very difficult? (a lesson I often need to learn myself)

I feel God is already preparing us. Maddox's GI doctor will be on call the day(s) we are at the hospital. And the nutritionist is the same one we met. I will trust He will take care of the rest. Maddox has not been eating well for the last 4 days. Barely any meat, mainly carbs, and not much of them. It's helping me feel a little better about the feeding tube, because I know how he needs it. The other day Maddox said " Momma, I always so tired. I even tired when I wake up". That's helped to see how good this will be for him.

When I told Mason what was going to happen he felt bad for Maddox. "mom, that's a really big thing for him and he's still little" "he's had so many big things happen already Mom" "when are you you going to tell him? Are you just going to bring him to the doctor and say 'SURPRISE!!' ?!?!? Cause that would be a horrible surprise Mom!". What a sweetie. As much as his little brother drives him nuts, he does love and care about him.

Well, I need to corral these two.