Happenings

This was written January 9th, 2012. For some reason I did not post it, it was in my "drafts" section. I am posting it, so I don't forget it.

Things have been going pretty well since my last post. 

I am so very grateful for so many things in my life.  Grateful for a husband who will pick up the slack when I am too exhausted or when I need to lay down as soon as he gets home. I am grateful for overall healthy children.  I know Maddox has a feeding tube, but he could have so many other things as well.  I am grateful for family who is close by and able to help, friends who listen and pray, and I am grateful for our health insurance. 

I am grateful for God and his help during this time. I do have to admit I often struggle wondering why He allows things to happen and why He doesn't stop them.  Especially things that happen to children.  I know He is all good and loving, this I know to be true in my innermost being. And yet, sometimes that doesn't jive with what I see happening with Maddox or other children. And I do not profess to know why things happen to children (or other people).  I have no answers. I could say all the regular things "It's a broken world, all things happen for a reason, God works all things for good, etc.." but those sayings are all trite when you see your child suffering.  I do know that sometimes God heals here on earth and sometimes he heals in heaven.

I cannot do this without God though.  The days that I do try, it always ends up exhausting and non productive.  When I give the day over to God and trust Him with Maddox and the rest of the day, I am so much more peaceful and productive, and the day flows. For example, last night Maddox threw up again (I didn't hear him calling over the monitor and I got to him too late.  He was crying "why did it take you so long mommy? Why did it take you so long?") and was up off and on during the night. I was getting anxious about the next day because school was starting up again and I knew I was going to be exhausted, but I gave it over to God and today was great. I was tired, but everything that needed to be done was done and I had a great day with the kids.

Tonight I was driving and just started crying. Crying for Maddox, for Mason, for myself.  I am sad that Maddox has to have this feeding tube. I am sad that I cannot fix this with a bandaid and a kiss. I want to fix this for him.  I am sad that this is turning into more of a long term deal. Back in August we were told this would be a 3 month thing with just the ng tube.  Now we have a g-j tube and he is struggling with throwing up.  I fear that there is something physically wrong with him that we don't know about yet and that he will need this for life.  That breaks my heart.

I am sad for Mason.  Maddox needs a lot of attention right now and I am exhausted during the day because Maddox also needs help throughout the night.  I feel bad that I cannot give Mason the attention I used to give him.  I know this is a season.