and look at this tape free face:
I missed that face!
I was definitely not created to be a nurse. Or physician. Or dentist. Or surgeon. Or any job that requires working with cotton swabs, body fluids, or medical equipment. I walk around in a constant state of queasiness and weak knees. I am horrible. Once a day I hook up Maddox and unhook him from his tubes. Once a day I clean around his button and place new guaze around the button. Several hours after I am done with the cares (and they aren't much) I am queasy, light headed and weak in the knees. It's awful. I am such a wuss!! Poor guy. He does better than me and he is the one who has a plastic piece coming out of his stomach that is now a part of him.
Last night he threw up. It was my fault. He told me his tummy felt weird, but said it in such a relaxed way I didn't move very fast, and he threw up. He recovered quickly (I did not) and was fine and hasn't mentioned it. Although he felt it was his fault because he had walked into our room to tell me something (Craig is sleeping in his room this week). The tape that holds down his tubes came off his tummy last night and so they were pulling on his button, and it was hurting him. He thought that was his fault too because he was scratching around the tape. He takes the blame for so much that happens to him. I am guessing it's because he is trying to make sense of all of this, but I am trying to convince him this is not his fault, and he hasn't done anything wrong.
The other morning he woke up at 3 am and was asking me if he had to go back to the hospital and get poked when they took out the button. It broke my heart. Here he is at 3am worrying about what will happen when he eventually is done with the button. He has grown up worries for a little guy and that breaks my heart for him.
Tonight I was having a hard time with all of this (and believe me, I know how fortunate we are), and I thought about God and Jesus. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for God to see Jesus on the cross and not do anything about it when He knew he could stop it. A random thought I know, but one I have been thinking about.
Maddox is doing really well. I am the one having all the problems at the moment. Which I am sure is part of it all and is normal (at least I hope it is). He continues to amaze me with his strength and tenacity. The Maddox has pretty much returned and it's wonderful to see. He's a bundle of fun and love all rolled into an energetic package.
Craig has been an incredible help. There is no way I could do any of this without him. When he comes home from work he takes over and I nap. This is his week off and he is sleeping in Maddox's room so I can get some sleep. He has been doing the cooking and grocery shopping too.
Mason is doing well too. He's been opening up about his concerns so I can talk with him about them and make sure he gets a little extra TLC, which goes a long way with him. All he really needs is a listening ear.
Praying for an uneventful night full of peace and rest. I long for the days when this is just a memory and when I have to come back to this blog to remember it all. You know, when The Maddox is over 6 feet tall , 250 pounds and a line backer on some football team :)
1 comment:
Jolee, I would be totally the same way. Sometimes a scrape will make me gag. You are doing amazing. I love his little face and that you can enjoy it free of tape once again. I look at my kids and cannot imagine a cuter face to me...I think God makes our kids irresistible to us. (most of the time. ha!) I'm sorry I never got to stop up in Duluth. that day turned out to be long and crazy and I didn't get out again until a dinner date with my family. I loved running into you at the mall. Don't laugh but you get prettier every year. you do! merry christmas and lots of love to you all!
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